Lately, I’ve found myself giving the same advice to several different people. It’s more of an explanation of the behavior that I’ve noticed in myself and many others. 

I think at one point in life, everyone is genuine, optimistic, ambitious, and has high expectations for themselves. Think of it as clean slate, a person who hasn’t been corrupted by the world, conditioned by those around them, and who hasn’t been overwhelmed with negative experiences. The term “faith like a child” comes into play, children find it easy to believe in almost anything, until they find out the truth. I just call it naivety. 

Once all those positive characteristics defined myself, but those days are long gone. Of course I’m going to tie this idea into the topic of relationships, so here we go. Once I had so much to offer, so much compassion, love, desire to find someone to make immensely happy. The only problem was, I shared those things with people who didn’t deserve it. I spent years wasting valuable time, enduring intense emotional pain, and putting forth effort to relationships with people who NEVER deserved me to begin with. This can take its toll on a person and result in “walls” to defend against any similar experiences in the future.

Now, I feel as though I’ve wasted the best of me on failed attempts in my past. At this point, I’m just worn out. I feel empty. I don’t want to try anymore to force happiness, to get to know people, to try again. I’ve become content with this mentality and I’m actually fairly happy with where I am right now.

The problem is, and many of you can relate to this, when I actually meet someone who is WORTH the time, effort, and the emotional ups and downs, I can’t force myself to change. It’s really hard when you find the person you’ve been waiting for, the one you wish you could give all that you have to offer, and realize that you have nothing left. Realizing that you wasted it all away long before they came into your life. Knowing that you want to try again, but don’t have it in you to do so.

I recently met someone who has everything I could want. But we both just don’t have anything left. Unfortunate, right? Is it possible to go back to the person I was before? I guess we’ll find out.

x