I’ve been using this blog to vent and share some advice, it’s quite therapeutic.  I am usually maticulous in what I’m trying to say, but below is the scattered stream of thought that’s occuring at 3am. It’s exposing and can leave me looking vulnerable and weak, but who am I kidding? Doesn’t that describe everyone? Some are just better actors that others…

“It’s three in the morning and I’m starting to worry that my own attempt to “figure out” life is making me very bitter. Making me very depressed. I’m turning into someone that I never imagined. For what ever reason, I’ve had the ability, or I should said inability, to feel things. Strong emotions. Reality never seems real. Loss never truly devastates me the way I see it devastate my friends, they I’m told to feel based off of movies and television. Recently, however, I’ve begun to feel extreme amounts of sadness. A feeling of empathy as if I had actually experienced negative things which I have not. I can view someone’s social skills, relationships, actions, emotions, reputation, their parents relationships, education, financial situation, appearance, material possessions, and if any those things seem to be lacking, I feel sad. If they aren’t where the person may want them to be or what the movies paint as the perfect picture of what a family, happiness, appearance, etc should be, I start to feel bad. I feel sad for them. Not in some condescending way, because often those people are way better off than I am in many aspects (whatever that means), but rather, I just want the best for them. I think I want the best for everyone.

Being unhappy about my imperfections is already hard enough to deal with, but now I’m almost impulsively compelled to view the imperfections of others and feel some kind of desire to remedy them. It’s a longing for better in other people, wanting them to have the desires and happiness we all strive for.  I’m starting to realize that now my two major emotions are the ones attributed to depression perhaps and sympathy for others. Those are overwhelming. I feel like I’m losing myself.

I feel like I’m trying to put together a puzzle but the pieces are lost, it’s impossible. I can’t solve everyone’s problems, but for some reason I can’t overlook them. I think I’ve been a problem solver my entire life and now viewing life itself as a series of problems needing a fix that has proved to be one which I know has no solution. We find happiness only in doses that seem fulfilling for a short time. I’m viewing the world in black and white so often that it’s taking away from the things that could be enjoyable.

We’ll see if this perception changes over time. We’ll see if I can somehow manage to control my emotions and impulse to figure everything out. The more I learn, the more I feel like I’m losing my mind. Why would someone continue to solve a math problem if they knew before even attempting it that it’s impossible? Certainly a man wouldn’t spend his entire life searching for answers that he consciously knows aren’t there? Right?”