–noun
1. an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.

I’ve been fortunate to have people consider me as a good source of advice in their lives. It’s really interesting to know that someone would come to me with their problems and hope I can help solve them. I try my very best to help my friends and be the one who “listens” when there’s a lot on their mind. However, I’m recently stumbling upon the problem of what exactly defines “good advice”?

As the definition states, advice is only a recommendation of conduct. Most people seek out a third party’s help with guiding them along through life’s ups and downs, but I’ve found that ultimately they will make their own decisions. A problem can have different solutions and people generally have one of those options that they see the most favorable. I believe that generally we seek the help of friends, not to choose which solution is best for us, but rather in hopes they will recommend OUR choice. Think of this as a form of positive reinforcement. So this poses another question, If seeking advice for a problem is a method of reinforcement for a friends’ premeditated solution, is it your “friendly duty” to, bluntly speaking, tell them what they WANT to hear?

Now some of you will say, “Joshua, stop trying to sound smart and complicate things. You have to give them the truth at all times. That’s what REAL friends would do.” My response would be best portrayed in this example: What if your guy friend tells you he’s found “the one” and he’s so madly in love with  a girl he has met. Meanwhile, you may know this new love interest is WAY too good for him (on the social economic scale). Do you say “Listen bro, I know you like her and all, but she’s fucking hot and you just DON’T get girls like her. She’s going to break your heart, you need to get out while you’re ahead!” That may be entirely true, but could you ever bring yourself to say it to him? Most of you would probably tell him, “Yeah man she’s great. I see she makes you really happy! Just make sure what you’re feeling is real. I’ve thought I was in love many times before, but was mistaken. Either way be careful, hopefully things work out :)! ” Fairly similar advice, one being worded in a more straight forward sense.

It’s this concept of “sugar coating” the truth to help people feel better about negative situations that really becomes the problem. People tell me things and I desperately want to say “What the fuck are you thinking?! He’s cheating on you because you’re boring!! Break up with him and for the love of god, don’t sulk via Facebook posts for the next 5 months.” But these are people’s emotions we’re talking about. You can’t just slap them with the cold, hard truth. The truth is always much worse than we like to think. I just don’t deal well with this “feel good” type advice wether I’m giving it or receiving it. I always feel like I could help these people avoid learning the hard way (after all, helping people is the idea of advice, right?), but sometimes it’s just part of life and everyone needs to make their own mistakes.

I’ve been experimenting with both the harsh and the feel good forms of advice. Over time I’ve made the choice to tell it like it is. I think most friends often give the WORST advice in attempts to fulfill this “friendly duty.” We form a bias towards our friends side of a situation, but can be blind to the full spectrum and this can pose a huge problem. If someone is fucking up, you need to consider the consequences of giving them advice and reinforcement as if they aren’t. We also like to use regurgitated cliche bullshit that is NOT practical for real world experiences. Let’s look at the some of the classics examples:

“If you’re meant to be together Joshua, it will all work out.”
“Screw her bro, You deserve better anyway.”
“You’ll find the right one, don’t you worry babe.”
“I would tell them how you feel, let her know that it bothers you.”
“You should call her man, talk it out.”

All the above have been said so many times they’ve lost their meaning to me. We love to use these phrases over and over. It’s such a widely accepted form of mediocrity and, without hesitation, we blurt out this garbage to those close to us. What a cop out. Try saying something with a little substance next time. Me personally, I don’t want advice from a good friend if it could be a Facebook bumper sticker (are those still around?) or if I could be used as a glitter GIF on some chick’s myspace page.

You also need to be careful not to impose with your friendly suggestions when it’s not asked for or needed. I’ve seen relationships fall apart because one’s advice turns from a desirable recommendation to an overbearing demand for someone to change their conduct. Don’t dictate someone’s actions even if you feel you are right, it’s only your job to suggest your opinion. And if we have learned anything, the advice people are most likely to choose is their own.

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